is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
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To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
same vibe as tangled headphones
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Fluff me with a fork baby
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.