the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
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Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Y’all know who you are.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.