her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
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Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Its a hippotatomus
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me: