*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
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Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I falcon love using swear birds
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.