*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
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You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
We’ve all been there…
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”