Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
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COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Stop sending me this shit.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.