This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
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5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.