[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
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Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?