Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
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WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers