Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
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What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.