I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
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When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
If only
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…