…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
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Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Autocorrect completely socks
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Always a housemaid, never a house.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend