A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
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I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.