The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
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Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
When I laugh on my period
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.