A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
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My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND