My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
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Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
#parenting
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY