For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
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My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.