Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
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Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
time machine? you mean a clock?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.