I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
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Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Phonetics
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!