Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
You Might Also Like
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers