Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
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[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
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Me: Same
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what