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God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.