Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
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A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive