*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
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What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”