*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
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I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
There are usually two types of merchants.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA