If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
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cyclists
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
This is a sub tweet
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-