this is why you should always wash behind your ears
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I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?