Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
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Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
british sex workers really pound for pound
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.