After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
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Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.