*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
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Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
*serious situation*
My brain:
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Spider-cat: No One Home
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
❤️🦆
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords