COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
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SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies