“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
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Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?