Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
pizza
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
the answer was staring at me all along
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.