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*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Steam Forums
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.