[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
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Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions