the saddest jazz hands ever
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It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early