Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
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Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.