My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
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Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
My guardian angel deserves a raise
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring