Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
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Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I can’t be the only one 😂
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
listen closely
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Steam Forums
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
How does one answer this?
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS