Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
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Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
we all know this pain all too well
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.