My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
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I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful