“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
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Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
I feel it
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Smooooooth
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”