We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
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Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.