I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
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*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
It’s an epidemic…
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.