A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
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My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
My god she’s good.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
no cat here
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.