The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
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Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog