Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
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If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Jogging has never helped my memory.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
I don’t know what to do
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.