In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
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[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
we’re dead?
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET