Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
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How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.