Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
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I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
“I wouldn’t.”
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views